Nothing is more difficult. Few words do it justice. And despite valiant attempts, through centuries of civilized life, even the greatest minds and hearts – those of princes, poets and just plain folks – never seem to capture it completely. And frankly, this Valentine’s Day, I’m not going to sit here and suggest that I am the only one who can define it. Greater women and men than I have tried to answer the question:
“What is love?”
As a child, I received it unquestioningly from two loving parents. I think I reciprocated often enough for them to know the feeling was mutual. As a young man, I expressed it – perhaps too willingly, too carelessly and too often – to women who trusted my emotions and probably figured it out long before I did. As daughters were born to us, I couldn’t find gifts enough to show it, when all I really needed to give them was as much time as possible. And as a grandparent, when time may be even more limited, I will probably run faster to make the time that I couldn’t always give as a father.
Though I didn’t always recognize them, the models for expressing love genuinely were there in my own blood family and the one I married into. The stories of my European grandparents showed me that love came from respect for life, pride in heritage and giving up personal desires for the needs of others. From my parents and my parents-in-law, I learned that love in their time meant finding a way – despite the devastation of Depression and World War – to make the way easier for their children than it had been for them. The sting of that love, perhaps, was that they weren’t around long enough to realize they had succeeded, nor to witness the fruits of their labours.
I am one of those fortunate few, who found love in spite of myself, with an extraordinary woman. I guess, as some sociologists suggest, falling completely in love and finding a lifelong mate might have been possible with any number of women in my life. But discovering love with her – as I did 36 years ago this month – felt serendipitous and true and right. Jayne and I didn’t marry right away. At the time and because of the times – the 1970s – we didn’t feel that statements were necessary, until we eventually chose a non-denominational wedding ceremony and wrote the vows ourselves.
“We two are the best of friends,” we said in front of friends and family, “confiding, growing, loving, understanding and sharing with each other.”
The first years we felt and said love would conquer all. For us it did, until we began juggling careers and children and mortgages. Then love and loving took a back seat (as it were) to life. At first, I think she learned and understood the way to balancing love and life better than I did. Eventually, in her quiet fashion, she showed me the way too. I learned she could express affection in more subtle ways than hugs and kisses.
At home she shouldered much more of the child rearing, household maintenance and day-to-day responsibilities than I did. With family nearby and half a continent away, she kept the ties stronger and communication more open than I did. At work, she managed to build several new careers, while still supporting mine. She contributed research and moral support to the stories I felt compelled to write. She offered constructive criticism and insight when I felt sure I needed none. And she allowed me the space to pursue my dreams when common sense told her otherwise. If I gave her half the equivalent in return, I’d be surprised.
All this week, the experts have filled radio and TV airwaves, life sections in the newspapers and even Internet websites, with foolproof ways of proclaiming your love. Candy stores, flower shops and greeting card aisles will help you express it when words fail. But I’ve decided to gather the examples of a long and wonderful relationship, think about their meaning and put them in my own best words. If nothing else, an expression of love offers the one expressing it plenty of latitude and lots of room for error.
I speak from experience. And my wife Jayne still listens and loves – on Valentine’s Day and the rest of the year too. For that, and much more, I try to love her in return.
